MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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