just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
