Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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