He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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