well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
