The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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