There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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