Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
