My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
