god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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