If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
