I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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