Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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