The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
