textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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