and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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