Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
