i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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