I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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