Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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