I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
