nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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