His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
