Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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