I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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