I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Please don't give away my fajitas
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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