Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
