I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
