i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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