I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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