Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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