I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
