All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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