he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
