I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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