my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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