I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
