Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
