He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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