nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
