I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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