Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
