I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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