Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
