if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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