sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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