any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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