Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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