hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
