Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
