I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
