I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
