Umm I'm too high to move.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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