No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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