I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
