I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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