I skipped work to stalk him.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
