Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize