There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
