im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
