I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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