I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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